Emptiness

Life is hard. Sometimes you think you’ve got things figured out and just when you’re ready to celebrate, the rug gets pulled. I can say without question I have absolutely NO idea what the hell is going on with my life. I have a job that I’m not satisfied with, a major that I’m no longer thrilled with, and so few and classes left for a 4-year degree that I’d be stupid to quit.

I am a Christian and I believe and know Jeremiah 29:11 by heart, but I can’t help but feel empty. A lot of people’s hang ups come from watching others succeed. I’m genuinely happy to see my peers do well. I encourage my friends and family to go for their goals and chase their dreams. Maybe if I took my own advice, I’d be better.

Still the question must be asked, what do you want to do? Sadly, I can’t answer that properly because I don’t know. I just recognize that I’m not happy and I’m not living up to my potential. God has blessed me with talents and gifts that I’ve dabbled in, and so many times I’ve ran away from discomfort.

Stress and struggle haven’t singled me out, but because I’ve put up with so much shit in the past my instincts are to run from anything that doesn’t bring me any peace. Maybe it’s time to stop running and finish the race and worry about the standings later.

The Journey within the Journey

Ever since I’ve been on this journey, I have been compelled to share the true nature of the experience. From the ups, downs, and hardships, to the successes and glory. If you’ve been following me then you know that despite my success, I have a long way to go to reach the goals that I set. Here’s what has happened so far:

Being fat on this planet is fucking hard. You can take that however you wanna take it, but the fact remains the same.  People literally hate your existence, so much so that they make life nearly unbearable.

Whether you’re at the grocery store, movies, out to eat or even at the GYM you constantly have eyes on you and people judging each move. All the snide remarks and bullying behavior has scared some fat folks into hiding. I use to be that person. The fears are still hidden inside me, and I am that person sometimes.

Then something changed. After being diagnosed with PCOS, I started to research more about the disease and started to make changes in my life that have helped control my acne and helped me lose weight.

Funny thing is the people started to change too. Folks that I met in the gym started to act differently than they had when I first became a member. The people in Zumba treat me like a folk hero. I was in Walmart the other week and a person that I knew just went on and on about how “good I looked.”

Before you give me the confused monkey gif, and ask me what the hell my problem is, just realize this these are the same people who shunned me, gave me hell, and treated me like a fucking outcast until I was deemed worthy enough. All because I was (fatter) and still fat.

Yes, I am happy about the success and I’m proud and privileged that God has allowed me to go through this however, I can’t help but ask what was so unappealing about me and my personality nearly a 100lbs ago?

When you’re fat you don’t get the benefit of doubt, you get the benefit of criticism.

Living with PCOS

There are many women around the US living with a metabolic disorder known as PCOS or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. This disease is not only crippling to fertility but it makes all diagnosed at greater risk for Obesity, Heart Disease, and Diabetes.Nearly 50 percent of the women diagnosed with PCOS are indeed obese. I happen to fall into that category according to my BMI (body mass index) as well as my elevated insulin levels. Your body goes through a series of changes that can be reversed but the disease itself can never be cured.  

Here is a couple of links that give dietary hints and other information about PCOS. 

http://www.3fatchicks.com/living-with-pcos-4-foods-to-avoid/

http://www.3fatchicks.com/